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The information on this page is taken
from the "Living in Kobe" guide published by CHIC.
Do's and Don'ts
Honorifics with Personal NamesThe Japanese language is considered an 'honorific' language, meaning that different sentence structures and words are used depending on the social relations between the conversing parties. In fact, two people can be saying the exact same thing, but using completely different words! (Ever wonder why the Japanese are so quick to exchange business cards? Because these cards, printed with the name of the company and the person's title, lets the exchangers quickly establish their relative social positions.) You have likely already heard people calling each other by their family name followed by san. This is one of the many honorifics that are used when addressing someone. San (or the even politer sama) is always used when addressing a superior, an older person, a customer, or a visitor to your home. Never address these people as anata ('you') or use their given names, as this places you in an inappropriately higher social position. People are often referred to using their titles rather than their names: business colleagues are often addressed using only their business titles, such as "buchou," "kachou," or "shachou;" doctors, teachers, and professors are addressed as "sensei" (teacher); and another man's wife is often addressed as "okusan" (wife). Children, close friends, and colleagues at the same corporate level can be addressed by their name (normally their last name) followed by "-chan" (girls or boys) or "-kun" (usually boys only). "Kun" can also refer to females if the speaker is a (higher ranking) member of the same club or organization. Moving InWhen moving into a new neighborhood, it is polite to visit your immediate neighbors to introduce yourself. Take a small gift such as cookies or, more traditionally, a special gift set of towels or soap. Surippa (house slippers)Don't wear shoes beyond the genkan (entrance) of a Japanese home. This is the section just inside the front door, usually on a lower level than the floor of the interior. You step out of your shoes (leaving them in the genkan) and up onto the raised floor of the interior of the home. You will generally be offered a pair of slippers by your host. These slippers are the proper footwear for all areas inside the home except the toilet; however, they are not worn on tatami mats (see below). The shoes are always neatly arranged in the genkan with the toes pointing towards the door. The toilet has a special pair of slippers. Remove your house slippers outside the door to the toilet and slip on the toilet slippers. Don't forget to switch back to the house slippers when you leave the toilet. The barukoni (balcony) or beranda (veranda) also has its own pair of slippers or outdoor shoes. Genkan (entrance to home)The genkan is essentially a public space, wherein business, services, and much personal visiting takes place. Don't be surprised to hear the doorbell ring and find someone standing just inside the door. (If this bothers you, feel free to keep the door locked.) In most Japanese homes, the 'public' genkan is at a lower level than the private living areas, and no one will step up into the private areas until you invite them to do so. It is a good idea to keep a pen in the genkan to sign for packages.
Shoes are removed in the 'genkan' and placed facing the door. Noise after 10:00 p.m.Noise from private residences is easily heard through the walls of most apartments and even many detached homes. Although some level of noise from televisions, radios, kid play, etc., is tolerated during the day and early evening hours, it is sure to sour neighborhood relations if it continues after10:00 p.m., particularly on school nights. If you receive complaints, a proper apology should include a box of candy, cakes or other small gift. Tatami (straw mats)Tatami are wonderful, attractive floor coverings, but they are easily damaged if mistreated. Never, EVER wear shoes on a tatami mat. Even household slippers are removed at the entrance to a tatami-mat room. Don't step on the delicate cloth borders of the individual mats. Most rooms with tatami will also have fusuma or shoji (two types of sliding doors); don't step on the soft wooden door sills, either. Tatami can be gently vacuumed and wiped with a cloth dampened with water, but never use any kind of cleaning agent.
A Tokonoma (Alcove) in a Japanese-style Room Meishi (Business/Name Cards)Absolutely essential to business relations, name cards are also used in many personal situations. In all cases, the card is offered and accepted with both hands and a bow. Futon (Japanese bedding)Futon is the standard Japanese bedding consisting of a top quilt and one or more thicker, heavier bottom pads. They are designed to be picked up and put in a closet when not in use, and brought out for sleeping. Leaving your futon out all day, especially where visitors may see them, is considered ill mannered. Leaving futon out on tatami (straw mats) may also lead to mold and mildew that can destroy both futon and tatami. Airing your FutonYou should air your futon at least once a week when weather permits. Airing in the sunlight helps control the dani (mites) that inhabit beds, cushions and even couches and cause respiratory problems in some people. Futon are aired by hanging them on laundry poles or on the railings of a balcony. Special clamps for securing futon (futon basami) are available in the laundry section of most supermarkets and dry goods stores. Be extremely cautious when hanging them on balcony railings — futon are heavy and can cause serious injury if they were to fall on someone. Some apartments may forbid the hanging of futon over the outside of the rail. Japanese Funeral (Ososhiki)If you are asked to attend the funeral of a Japanese colleague or neighbor, you would be wise to ask someone who will also be attending to be your guide. There are many funeral styles in Japan, and each style has its own rules of etiquette. In general, black formal wear is expected, although a dark suit is acceptable. Offerings of money are the rule; the amount depends upon the nature of your personal or business relationship with the deceased. However, be sure to wrap it in a Japanese funeral envelope with black and white strings (NEVER the ones with red & white or gold & silver strings, which are used for happier events like weddings). Ask a Japanese friend for help. WeddingsJapanese weddings can be as complicated as Japanese funerals, and the same advice applies to both situations: ask a Japanese friend for help. Most couples these days opt to have a public 'Christian' (i.e., church or chapel) ceremony and a private (close relatives only) Japanese shinto ceremony, plus a formal reception. Black formal wear and a white tie are traditional attire, but business suits are acceptable. Gifts of money are highly appreciated to help the couple start their new life together (and also to help pay for the incredibly expensive reception). Be sure to use the Japanese wedding envelope with the gold and silver (or red and white) strings. When you leave the reception, you will be given an attractive bag containing a 'thank you' gift from the couple.
An international Wedding, Japanese Style Japanese EnvelopesGiving money on special occasions is a time-honored custom
in Japan. These gifts of money are always offered in an elaborately decorated
envelope bound by different colored strings. Never offer money without
an envelope (because money is 'dirty'). Also, NEVER give amounts with
a "4" in them, since one of the words for "4" is "shi"
which allso means "death"! (For example, you could give ¥30,000
or ¥50,000, but never ¥40,000.) 1. Funeral: black & white, silver & white or yellow & white strings 2. Wedding: gold & silver strings, red & white strings or green strings 3. Get well: red & white strings 4. Entrance ceremonies and other celebrations: red & white or gold & silver strings Small gifts of money for general congratulations, otoshidama (new year gift of money for children), etc., can be offered in any festive or brightly colored envelope.
A special envelope for every occasion. (Envelopes courtesy of Pepe stationery store on Rokko Island) Chopsticks (Hashi)When taking food from a common serving dish, turn the hashi around in your hand and use the 'clean' ends. Never pick up food from a common dish with the ends you put in your mouth. And NEVER leave your hashi standing upright in a bowl of rice; this is a funeral ritual! Social DrinkingThe rules of social drinking are quite different in Japan. Beer is to the Japanese what wine is to the French and may be had with dinner and weekend lunches. People also generally drink in groups; not as many drink alone as in some other countries. And while public drunkenness is tolerated, driving after imbibing even the smallest amount of alcohol is most definitely not. Drinking at lunch during a working day is not done, but drinking after work is almost de rigeur. Social Drinking in GroupsWhen drinking in groups, it is impolite to fill your own glass. The other people, usually the person sitting next to you, will monitor your glass and keep it filled. When they pick up a bottle and indicate your glass, pick up your glass and hold it while they fill it. You are expected to immediately reciprocate by taking the bottle and filling their glass. You are not obligated to drain your glass before accepting a refill, but it is considered polite to take small sips before and after being served. If you don't want to drink any more, leave your glass full.
The Center of Kobe Night Life, Just North of JR Sannomiya Station Public AngerNever attempt to use anger in an effort to win arguments with neighbors or co-workers. Pressure tactics don't work. (Just ask the U.S. Trade Office.) The best way to get results is to 'out-polite' the other person. That person will be forced by the rules of social etiquette to respond in a like manner. Since those rules are designed to achieve consensus and maintain harmony, eventually they will find themselves agreeing with you. (Or you with them!) Public Anger AvoidanceOn rare occasions, a person may explode in anger at the slightest perceived insult, or maybe for no apparent reason at all. They may even become violent. Social etiquette isn't going to work in these cases. These people will not accept anything but an abject apology. If this is unacceptable to you, it is best to say nothing and get away from them. If you feel physically threatened, call the police. Visiting a Sick FriendNever bring a sick friend potted plants or flowers with roots in soil, as this is a symbol of the sickness "taking root" (and becoming a long illness). Acceptable gifts include cut flowers, books, and magazines. Fruit, cookies and other sweets are also welcome, but not for the reason you may be thinking: these items will be given to nurses and doctors as gifts, and to visitors to eat during their visits! This is an extension of the hospitality the patient would offer at home, so don't expect the patient to personally eat your gift of food or drink — but be assured that it will be appreciated. |
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In the KitchenDon't expect your Japanese friends to help you in the kitchen. The kitchen is generally off limits to all but family members. This also means that you are not expected to help out in their kitchens. You may make the offer, but insisting will only embarrass them. At the Dining Table IEven though the food may be already served, guests do not begin eating until the host or hostess has indicated 2 or 3 times that they should help themselves. When invited to do so the first time, make a slight bow and say "thank you," but then wait for a second or (more formally) third invitation. Before starting to eat, say "Itadakimasu" and make a slight bow. After finishing, say "Gochiso-sama deshita" with a slight bow. At the Dining Table IIFood, in bowls, such as rice, miso soup, even ramen, can be picked up and raised to the mouth for eating. Slurping (making noise) while eating soba, udon, miso soup, etc. is more than OK, it is a sign of appreciation. Note that this does not apply when eating foods other than soups. Visiting Friends IBefore visiting a Japanese friend's home, call them. They will likely suggest meeting in a coffee shop or other nearby public place. Tradiionally, Japanese don't do much entertaining at home and may be embarrassed to find you standing at their door. You, in turn, may be embarrassed when you realize that you will not be invited in. This tradition is slowly changing, however, as Japanese homes become larger; "houmu paa-tee" (home parties) are becoming more and more common. Visiting Friends IIIf you are invited to a friend's or co-worker's home, bring a formal gift of flowers, cakes, cookies, wine or whiskey, or toys or snacks (okashi) for the children to show that you are aware of the honor of the invitation. Gifts need not be quite so formal for subsequent visits, but you should always bring something. Visiting Friends IIIThe host, and possibly the entire family, generally accompanies the guest to the genkan (entrance). In some cases, guests may also be accompanied to their car, taxi or even to the train station. Visiting Friends IVBe prepared to offer food and drink to guests no matter what the hour. Acceptable foods include cakes, light meals, and snacks; drinks can include coffee, tea, sodas, or even beer or whisky. It is impolite to refuse such offers, though it is not necessary to eat and drink everything. Ofuro (bath) IYou likely already know that the Japanese wash with soap before entering the bath and only use the tub to soak up the warmth and relax hot-tub style. So be sure to rinse the soap off completely before entering the bath. And since everyone uses the same water, you shouldn't pull the plug if others are to follow you. Ofuro IIThe first bath is generally taken by the head of the house, followed in descending order of social rank by the rest of the family, with the wife last. But often guests are offered the first bath. If this honor is yours some day, don't add cold water to what you may consider to be a very hot bath. You may be treating those that follow after you to an unpleasant, lukewarm soak. Ofuro IIIIt is common for the father or mother to share a bath with their children. It is less common but still acceptable for a close relative, usually a grandfather or grandmother, to bathe the children. You have every right, however, to politely decline any relative's offer to bathe your children. Public Baths (Sento)Although the neighborhood sento is fast disappearing, there are still many opportunities to take a public bath, particularly at onsen (mineral water baths). Many resorts make their public baths their main attractions, and, indeed, these can be quite spectacular and worthy of a visit. As at home, always wash and rinse thoroughly before entering the bath. It is bad manners to splash soap and water onto your fellow bathers. Men modestly hold their wash towel in front of themselves when moving about and while in the bath. Most public baths ban anyone with a tattoo, as these are associated with the yakuza (gangsters).
A Mountain Rotenburo (Outdoor Hot Spring Bath)
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RIC Central Tower, 3F, 5-15 Koyo-cho Naka, Higashinada-ku, Kobe 658-0032 tel: 078-857-6540; fax: 078-857-4789; office@chickobe.com Copyright © 2001 - 2007 Community House & Information Centre Design and programming by Webmaster Ian Mackay
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